With life as short as a half-taken breath, don't plant anything but love~Rumi
It's been several days of me thinking about what I wrote about last week about feeling torn, and my urgency to begin getting my voice out. I had orginally thought about writing a post about my last trip to Kripalu and a yummy dish I had created, but that must wait. These words are sitting in me waiting to get out. What exactly is my rush? My recipe section needs work, and I am still learning this website stuff. I have lots of studying to do and a family to attend to (oh, and I am training for a triathlon). Still the quiet, subtle messages were getting louder and louder. And, then it hits me. My urgency has much to do with my intimate knowledge of death. This keen, but deep awareness that life is fleeting is ever present in me, especially now.
As I birth this part of me, my mother is dying. She has been for 20 years, but it is getting even closer. As anyone whose dealt with cancer knows the turbulent ride. It becomes so up and down, you numb. You feel helpless, powerless. She's had nine lives and lost two sons. And, I have lost two brothers in their 30s. I know how short life can be. It is a very strange feeling when you begin to realize your family of origin will all be soon gone. You FEEL the URGENCY! You take risks (more on that part of me later).
Many years ago, as I thought about writing a blog, the name was going to be The Way Forward. And if you notice my cover page is a girl looking beyond the distance. We are "supposed" to live in the present. And sometimes I do. I get it. The present is all we have, but sometimes I have to look forward because living in the present is painful. If I took the time to stop, it would hurt. And hurt bad. But here's the thing, I do stop and work through it. I have worked really hard to gather the emotional reserves to look at my life. To me, true wellness is not just about eating right and exercising---it's about looking WITHIN and being present to see what's happening right now. It takes certain awareness and a clarity that can only be found by ourselves. I see it as a looking TOWARD, rather than away from. The Way Forward just sounds better. But truthfully, I am just a girl trying to find MY way in this world. Aren't we all?!!
Another thing about this urgency, it has also helped me realize something about how I feel about joy. The passionate, feel-it-all person wants to experience it all. Live it all. But I have been afraid to feel joy at times, which is strange considering, I walk this earth as one of the happiest people you'll meet. Fiercely joyful is how I would describe myself. It is my true nature to be this way, but as time has worn on, I admit I have to work at it a bit more. I have to make a decision to be joyful, every single day. Presently I am in that space of the IN BETWEEN, not overly happy nor sad, so in my eyes, it seems right for me now to start writing here. Or more truthfully, my inner mean girl said "get your shit together, even if you get your butt kicked, before it's too late."
A post about death, Karin (wow, really?!), but it's a thought that's always there for me. We all have those thoughts (maybe not the same thoughts), at a subconscious level, swirling around that are part of our protectors. As if not feeling joy, would stop the inevitable. Once I realized it was part of that protection, I was able to receive it and embrace it some. And to trust, really trust, that all is to come, I have within me and surounding me the strength to get through---and to be looking---FORWARD!
The Way Forward
"She was a girl who knew how to be happy, even when she was sad. And, that's important."~Marilyn Monroe